stressed

my mom thinks im suicidal.. i wouldnt quite call it being suicidal.. i just get very stressed to the point where i dont think its worth living.
i feel very sorry towards my mom because shes really worried about me.. im trying my utmost best to hide all my stress but she told me it shows through my face.
i keep praying to god that things would get better and im just patiently waiting for something good to happen.

A new beginning ~

Well, i have started a new chapter in my life :)
I haven't been posting much in this blog but i feel that i need to post more.:) I have now started uni and its such a big difference compared to high school ! the work load is completely different (its basically all up to you to do it lol ) and its just a whole other level of maturity that you have to reach. I am really liking the uni life so far although i dont see my bestfriends every day :( lol its different.

as for the whole parents babying me situation, its getting a bit better i guess ? i basically put a stop to it everytime it happens, because lets face it. im in uni now and im not a little kid anymore lol. thats what my parents have to realise and stop being so paranoid. I know that im their only daughter and thats why i guess they are so protective over me but still.. im growing up :)

well lots of things happened so far, some i cant really begin to say what happened but on the good note my dance team is getting somewhat famous ;) i was walking into one of the uni's lounge when there were a group of people whom had noticed me and whispered to themselves "omggggg its herrr,..... shes partt of that dance teammm ommmg!!!!" and they were all smiling at me ... MY GOODNESSS I COULDNT HELP BUT TO SMILE. Wow to believe that my dance team has gotten so far its just amazing to hear this! I really didnt think we would have gotten to be so "big" lol . We at least made an accomplishment which was making it to the second rounds of the Kpop Cover Dance contest 2013 :) i am honestly so proud of my team and any time someone asks what i do, first thing i say is " im part of a dance team called OHDT, you should check out our videos :) " its like i am a little entrepreneur when it comes to my dance team lol. I am so proud of how far we've come its just amazing ! To be honest, i really thought that the team was breaking up because before, people weren't really showing up and whatnot to practices.. i was so scared during that time. I thought to myself... this really must be over.. my dreams of being in a dance team for long has ended... it was that close.. but instead, we ended up pulling our acts together and shaping up and improving tremendously before our performances (one in toronto before school started and one in september ). To be honest, i never thought that i would have the stamina to dance 4 dances LOL. But i managed to do it :) i think all of the members have definitely come a long way! i cant begin to say how proud i am :) Honestly, the team brings so much joy to me ... it relieves all my stress that i go through and i begin to feel happy again ! all the members of my team are like family to me, i dont know what i would do without them <3

anyways, i have a bunch of midterms coming up and oh boy have i ever began to study so crazily LOL ... gotta go and finish up this studying >_< lol good lord.. midterms XD

Smile.

I wonder why is everything just plummeting into this great dark abyss ? I know, i know, i am way too hard on myself. I wonder when i will stop being like this. If i don't stop im going to get myself sick. I just wish that what is happening right now wouldn't happen at this exact time. Well, they always say, things happen at that exact moment for a purpose. All i can do is keep my head up and try not to worry too much. As of right now .. I try and smile to my friends ( don't get me wrong, im not some majorly depressed person :) im usually happy all the time) but can't help to relapse into sadness again. Other things make me happy, give me tinglies but still the other problem is something that has a big weight on my shoulders. Its a bit too heavy for me now.

Tiring./confused :S

Well they always say the only way you can break a continuous cycle is if you try something different. What more is there to do that is "different" in order for freedom.? It's tiring already.


.... I'm a little confused as to say what to do ? My brother's fiancé wants to invite me to their daughters birthday party? Now it's an easy answer.. Of course.. I'm the godmother so I would love to go there... But the thing is .. My brother and I have stopped talking ... It's been a year and a half already... We stopped talking because we had a bad relationship.. Now my parents don't want me being involved with him and I don't know... Should I go or not...?? I have given him many chances and I feel like in order not to be hurt its best not to go.. :/ it tears me apart knowing that I always talk to his fiancé and his daughter I have nothing against her.. Not to say I have anything against him,. It's just he never made an effort to have the brother sister relationship I've always wanted.

...

Everything that I worked for is all gone.. Scholarships ... Down the drain.... I just give up ... I can't take it anymore...

Why is it always the ones who work so hard that end up feeling the pain the most?

Tiredness

I wonder when these feelings of being depressed will go away? My parents act like as if nothing is wrong and then two minutes they are at it again.

... I just want everything to stop. I am just so tired of everything. I feel so depressed that I can't even laugh at the jokes my friends tell me....

I guess you could say that people see right through me on my facial expression.

I can't hide anymore. It hurts too much.

I'm wondering when is my life going to be filled with the happiness again ?

Everything is such a blur due to all the stress I am under....school,parents,extracurricular activities... I can't leave either one of them because they are my family.. And well school... That's something I have to go to in order for me to have my own life ...

Why?

Well ... my birthday is completely ruined... all this shit that i am going through i cant take it anymore. My parents basically dont give two shits about me ... it was all because of one word ... simply because i wanted 50 out of the 200 dollars i got for my birthday to spend and my mom said no.. it goes in the bank... because i said that i felt like she was controlling the money i receive for my birthday... now im being compared to these spoiled people who get everything.. 

my life... 
i dont even know anymore.. all i can say is that is has always been like this.. i completely hate my life..

they give me everything but when things like that happen... idk

my dad even has the audacity to say i am worse then his 3 fucking sons that dont even talk nor give a fucking shit if hes alive or not.. i fall into their category.


they say i dont love them? and that the "love" i say is false.. 

i want to move out.. i cant take it anymore.. the 18 years of my life... i thought it would be filled with happiness.. and dont get me wrong.. we have our good days.. but when things life this happen.. im so helpless and alone.. 

my mom always compares me to my friends and says how much of a bad kid i am... 
i dont understand what i am doing wrong..

they say i answer back .. yes i do.. i know its wrong... but what am i supposed to do..

they got mad at me cause i was upset that my dad came to pick me up early from where i was ... i didnt want to leave yet cause i hadnt finished my food.. its not my fault....

i find that as im getting older its getting worse.. i dont know what to do anymore with my life.. 

all i have is my friends, school and my family (of course) ....... now that this fight happened its like they dont care about me anymore.... 

it sucks how my mom is always like we give you everything.... thats not the case though.. i am definitely not upset at that...  its just the things they say ... i thought this year would be good... turns out nope .... its gotten worse... and idk anymore i am past the point of crying.. maybe i might break down sooner or later. i just hope its not during exam time. 

all this shit.. i cant take it anymore.